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I am comfused, please explain.
And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved.
From the song, Caves.
Then, from The Resolution,
I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
Hmm... Now that I think about it, I guess I can reconcile the sentiments to an extent. Cool.
Too bad neuroplasticity is hardly understood as it is, though mind-bogglingly cool.
Bogglingly? Really? That's acceptable as a word? Wow.
... Like, an awesome on fire, not like... pain on fire.
Like really, this isn't a Christian band? These lyrics are from a song called Soulfire from the first album. Not that good musically honestly, but look at this.
Every morning as I wake to another day
I bow my head hit my knees and I begin to pray
I search for answers that I wonder if I'll ever find
Running circles in the mazes deep inside my mind
You always take me to a higher level
Show something that's deep inside
You show me things I never knew
You push me you pull me
You set my soul on fire
You take me so much higher
Higher again
Thank you for it all
Everyday living this life not knowing what it means
Consolation from above fulfilling all my dreams
And as I look across the crowd in their eyes I see
All their troubles and their pain staring back at me
You always take me to a higher level
You show me something that's deep inside
You show me things I never knew
You push me you pull me
You always give the best for me
Lift your hands high right where I can see
You always give the best for me
Lift your hands high right where I can see
Not a Christian band? Really?
Love, where is your fire?
I’ve been sitting here smoking away
Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits
But still there’s no sign of a flame
Imposters have been passing
Offering a good-feeling glow
But I’m holding out for what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone
Some urge me to be temperate
Lukewarm will never do
CHORUS
‘Cos I, I wanna blaze with you
So I’m holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
‘Til the time when you come and I’m whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete
Some tell me to be moderate
But lukewarm will never do
CHORUS
Now I, I know I’ll blaze with you
So I’m holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out
Bridge
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I’ll offer you me and you’ll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it
I’ll shout and rebuke it
Away
So, I bolded that one part because I find it really interesting. It is a nice nod to evangelism, which I like, and is made of language that's not trite and overused. The part that made me sorta smile and think was the first half: "So I stand, handing out torches / Speaking words that are lamps to their feet." Brooke Fraser has written some of my favorite songs ever. Some of them have helped me get through hard times and consider more seriously certain aspects of my life and my faith. A few such songs are Albertine, C.S. Lewis Song, Hosea's Wife, and Desert Song, which she didn't record on her solo albums, but wrote for Hillsong. She also wrote one of my favorite worship songs ever. I mean, favorite to the extent where it's in my top five... maybe even top three. It's called Hosanna. My favorite recording of the song is actually by Starfield, but she wrote the song and recorded it with Hillsong.
Anyway, she's relatively young to come up with such insightful words and music, so I've considered why she's able to do so. I had an experience once where a group of men, friends with eachother but strangers to me, were confused about an aspect of their faith and one was rather distressed about it. I overheard them and was feeling pressed to pay attention, and was considering sharing what I knew. I am pretty shy and intimidated by people though. About a minute after I began listening though, they approached me. I was nervous, and a little shaky, but words becan to come out of my mouth that I was not smart enough or wise enough to come up with on my own. Those words brought comfort, calm, and understanding. Because of that, I suppose it must be the same with this music. Music is such a brilliant means of communication and such a blessing. If her goal is to speak words that are lamps to people's feet, I commend that. And, she doesn't try to do it on her own, or she'd only be able to reach a few who she knew really well and knew what they needed to hear. I know God is involved directly in what she writes, because what she's written has affected so many people.
In Hosea's Wife, it says,
"I see the scars of searches everywhere I go
So, I bolded that one part because I find it really interesting. It is a nice nod to evangelism, which I like, and is made of language that's not trite and overused. The part that made me sorta smile and think was the first half: "So I stand, handing out torches / Speaking words that are lamps to their feet." Brooke Fraser has written some of my favorite songs ever. Some of them have helped me get through hard times and consider more seriously certain aspects of my life and my faith. A few such songs are Albertine, C.S. Lewis Song, Hosea's Wife, and Desert Song, which she didn't record on her solo albums, but wrote for Hillsong. She also wrote one of my favorite worship songs ever. I mean, favorite to the extent where it's in my top five... maybe even top three. It's called Hosanna. My favorite recording of the song is actually by Starfield, but she wrote the song and recorded it with Hillsong.
Anyway, she's relatively young to come up with such insightful words and music, so I've considered why she's able to do so. I had an experience once where a group of men, friends with eachother but strangers to me, were confused about an aspect of their faith and one was rather distressed about it. I overheard them and was feeling pressed to pay attention, and was considering sharing what I knew. I am pretty shy and intimidated by people though. About a minute after I began listening though, they approached me. I was nervous, and a little shaky, but words becan to come out of my mouth that I was not smart enough or wise enough to come up with on my own. Those words brought comfort, calm, and understanding. Because of that, I suppose it must be the same with this music. Music is such a brilliant means of communication and such a blessing. If her goal is to speak words that are lamps to people's feet, I commend that. And, she doesn't try to do it on her own, or she'd only be able to reach a few who she knew really well and knew what they needed to hear. I know God is involved directly in what she writes, because what she's written has affected so many people.
In Hosea's Wife, it says,
"I see the scars of searches everywhere I go
From hearts to wars to literature to radio
There’s a question like a shame no one will show
'What do I live for?' "
I mean there are other lines earlier which paired with all of this make me think, but this is the main part. She's been shown a great need in the world, and put in a great position to help spread God's word to people and help them understand some of his ways and some of his plan. I think that's so cool. It makes me wish I'd had more musical training, or at least focused more when I had the opportunity to make musicianship a huge huge part of my life. Music is one of the most amazing ministries out there and I so wish I could be involved. We'll see.
I mean there are other lines earlier which paired with all of this make me think, but this is the main part. She's been shown a great need in the world, and put in a great position to help spread God's word to people and help them understand some of his ways and some of his plan. I think that's so cool. It makes me wish I'd had more musical training, or at least focused more when I had the opportunity to make musicianship a huge huge part of my life. Music is one of the most amazing ministries out there and I so wish I could be involved. We'll see.
- Music:Hosea's Wife by Brooke Fraser
My blood pressure is up.
I have no interest in food.
My throat is extremely sore.
I like a guy, and he liked me. A lot. He had to go away and we couldn't talk because of things outside either of our control. He came back, we got in a fight, and now it's hard to talk about anything at all.
My chest hurts, and it's hurt on and off all day. My tendency is toward being a hypochondriact and I know I always sound like one. I have no reason to worry, I'm sure. Chest tightness was on the list of things to call your doctor about right away but I'm just hurting. I don't really know what tightness in the chest means.
I am having mood swings. Yesterday I felt amazing, right now I feel terrible.
Yesterday I had a little anxiety attack and talked to someone I needed to talk to, and today's been wonderful. Sometimes I just need to flush it all out of my system.
:D
... "And that's the way I like it!"
- Music:Catch My Disease by Ben Lee <3
I'm having a huge freakout. I never get like this. (Well, yes I have freakouts, but not of this ilk.)
A friend of mine called Ashley is into another friend of mine called Alex. She is someone who does not like being single and really enjoys thinking about guys. Alex is like... crush of the month you could say, since she recently got rejected by a guy she'd liked for a long time. Alex is a nice kid, starring in a musical that Ashley wrote and is co-star of. Alex drinks and parties a lot, and tends to make the standard poor decisions of a party school. Ashley is a good Christian girl in some ways, but also really goofy and a bit of a bad girl. She can be really prickly and unintentionally drives people away. Since I believe I do the same thing, I tolerate her attitude.
Aaaanyway, Ashley tends to talk about Alex all the time recently. I think as a couple, they will justify eachother in poor choices. Ashley just turned 21 and while she's not a heavy drinker, Alex is, and I could see them feeding off eachother and doing something dumb. I mean we've all had alcohol in our lives and far be it from me to judge either of them for drinking (especially considering Ashley's age), but they're both the type to do dumb things under the influence. I love them both and that isn't a criticism, just an observation.
Alex doesn't have any sort of crush on Ashley, and is in no position to even consider a relationship. He is, however, quite a flirt. And, to use a term she used, quite "handsy" when drunk. He flirts with anyone, even me, and it's very very very clear that neither of us will ever be interested in each other. With Ashley, it sends absolutely and entirely the wrong signal. I have it under good authority (as in he told my twin sister and one of her best friends) that he is definitely not interested. He needs to get his act together though; cuddling on a bed in a rather spooney manner with a girl sends a very distinct signal.
So Ashley always questions whether or not he likes her and I don't want to tell her that I know he doesn't. I've been debating it, and she's been telling me how she wants to talk to him about it. I decided that since it's not a life or death, heartbreakey situation, I'll let her find out for herself. It's not my position to let her down. I guess the only reason I thought about it was that I didn't want to prolong the situation and let her get all worked up about him. I think I also wanted to spare my ears, selfish though that may be. I've tried to say that I sorta have a hunch he doesn't when she asks what I think. Like many girls though... she really doesn't care what I think and just wants a sounding board for her thoughts. I totally understand that, as it's a behavior I've indulged in many times. I'm not exactly sad for her, and just want this to be over with. It was almost cute before I knew the truth, but it's gotten old.
________
My own life now!
I've been surprisingly sick the last three days. Coughing up lungs, etc, and feeling like I'm choking to death, plus serious cramps. I think my body has been so taxed by the sinus/cough stuff that I find myself completely out of energy and sleeping constantly. I probably need it, but I have work to do and it's much more important. 8 pages due on Friday, a final that day, and two labs due at 7:30 AM... 6.5 hours from now. Back to the nocturnal lifestyle... oh well. I don't trust myself to work here at school, so I think I'm going to go home between the last day of classes and my finals. There are too many distractions here.
I need to learn to trust in the Lord and remember that the rest will follow. I don't doubt that, but it's extremely hard to let go of this sham of a shred of control I imagine I might have. Goodness knows I am not in control of anything right now. It's like I've been holding on to something super heavy hanging from a rope, and I sorta let go very slightly to adjust my grip, but lost my hold and now it's flying between my hands and giving me rope burn. That all makes sense in my head and I don't really expect that I put it very clearly (note: I'm not exactly proofing or reading back over what I've written, long as it all may be.) There's lot I need to deal with and get straight.
This is really long. I don't really expect it to be read; this is for me.
I think that someone I know is making a mistake wholly based on assumptions. I am not talking about Ashley but this is more delicate and I'm not going to delve into it.
I feel... disfunctional.
Also, I need to do something about my high social anxiety and extreme irrritability.
I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep but I think I'll just work all night instead.
... That's a funny joke. I'll say I'm working but stay up spilling my thoughts and maybe checking facebook all night. I really feel like a failure sometimes.
Love,
Laura
P.S. I want to repost this without reposting it: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dreams.png
That is, without a doubt but with the addition of a God sentiment, how I feel right now.
Love and Sincerely,
Laura
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: Sandy Quang
2. You went to the mall with: Leah and Lindsey
3. You went to dinner with?: Julia, Clinton, Lindsey, a few others
4. You talked to on the phone?: Clinton
5. Made you laugh?: Cast of Ocean's 11
6. Hugged you?: Ben (the skinny dancing freshman lol)
7. Said they loved you?: Like... in a passive friend way? Clint. Otherwise? Dad.
8. Held your hand?: Gina
9. Spoke with?: Julia? Pete maybe? Clint?
10. You cried over?: I'm not going to answer that.
Eh just felt like filling that out. Not worth anything.
Today, someone really offended me. I reacted based on the implications and a backed up pile of stress and just.... confirmation of insecurities. Run on sentences. And also, I cried, over and over. Once for real and a few times like... where my eyes just watered up a little. I know exactly what I need to do but I'm so sad right now.
It's not important. It's just keeping me awake until 5:30 AM and I need to get up in 4 hours. It will be later than that by the time I fall asleep. I wish my light worked... I'd clean and get out of here. I'd literally get ready and drive home right now. Hours ago.
I just cried again. I feel so weak.
