Amaranthine?

A theory has occurred to me many times. I think I have some sort of mental illness. Not severe, no, but some sort of anxiety disorder separate from or beyond the one I've been diagnosed with. The problem is that I haven't gained much from medication. It seemed like, while I was taking them, I became strange in other ways. What about the concept of personality illness? Or the idea that some mental illnesses are not made to be medicated? If a person's simply over reactive and gets anxious easily... well, that could possibly just be their nature. I think it is my nature, for one. It's strange though. I make myself almost sick over the concept of running in gym class in front of multitudes (you know the number only gets bigger, the more you think about it), and yet I am trying to become healthier and change my habits. Yes, I want to get in shape, but I am overly anxious when it comes to social pressures. Another instance of oddity is what happens when I feel like I'm boxed into my house. It's very hard for me to accept the concept of staying in my house for an entire day, and I aggravate myself past the verge of tears and into a sort of paranoia-flavored anxiety. I don't know if it's a function of my family, but being home alone does help. There's this nagging feeling that simply builds when you are never alone, though. School helps, as you can disappear into your own world of consciousness, as everyone around you does the same. No interaction, unless you really get into the subject at hand. Well, anyway, it's a change of scenery at least. I'm simply brainstorming here. I don't know which thing is more important, if either is applicable at all. I have a lot of crackpot theories and ideas, and they probably don't actually have any basis in reality. I find ways to contradict anything I come up with.

Wow, I ramble. I ramble in the same manner as someone who's writing I look down on. Not the unattached, abstract someone, referring only to the style of writing, but a specific person. That's not important here. Or, to quote Sandy, "that's not the point. The point is..." ... Well, what is the point? Self-inspection? Self-criticism? Abstract thought? The 'abstractness' of it is entirely up for debate. In my eyes, all that I think of here is bullshit. In an egotistical corner of my consciousness, I think I'm better than a whole lot of people. I was given the gift of intelligence, or at least the ability to learn extremely quickly and have enough critical thinking skills to figure things out or see problems through. I can do that. I was given the ability to understand music, which has shaped my life in many ways. I have an eye (or rather two) for design and the arts. I'm open to whatever technologies I can learn, and while I don't always get along with people, I like to think I have a good feel for the way the human mind works. If a person speaks of a more abstract concept or emotion, I get it. Despite this, the preconception that I am more gifted than others, I often find myself feeling worthless in that I have no mastery over my own mind, and cannot interact well with a lot of people. I get social concepts, but I do not fit them. I have seen many friendships fail, and god knows I've never had a successful romantic relationship, or come even close. On top of that, I am not physically attractive at all. I can never really convince myself otherwise. I am gifted in my mind (and/or brain? PoMCTY03?) but my body is a failure because I lack the one thing that can tie my world together, and that is will power. I am distressed when I come to the conclusion (as I often do) that while I'm one step ahead of many in some regards, those things just don't matter, and at the end of the day, I'm at least two steps behind overall.

I digress, and too much. Mind you, by saying that, I return to a concept I have already covered, and will begin to go in circles. 

-removed. wow, I suck at life.- Not face-to-face, no. I won't deny that when I have a conversation with someone whom I'm unsure around, I generally fail to be the person I want to be. These supposed intellectual gifts (accident of birth, randomly distributed, or given specifically for a purpose?) have no chance to make themselves heard. If they did, would it be egotism or bragging? That's a question, not a twisted statement with misleading punctuation. If it were wrong for me to use wit or intellect on demand in human interaction, what purpose would it serve? That is not rhetorical. I just can't do it. Again, it is a legitimate question, to which a few answers are springing to mind.