Amaranthine?

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:18:56 GMT

Dear Jack's Mannequin,

I am comfused, please explain.

And out here
I watch the sun circle the earth
The marrows collide in rebirth
In God's glory praise
The spirit calls out from the caves.
The walls fell and there I lay
Saved.

From the song, Caves.

Then, from The Resolution,

I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear

Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution

Hmm... Now that I think about it, I guess I can reconcile the sentiments to an extent. Cool.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:27:53 GMT

If computer engineers and programmers could achieve in a piece of machinery the plasticity that is found in the brain, the new abilities and functionality could be, potentially, staggering.

Too bad neuroplasticity is hardly understood as it is, though mind-bogglingly cool.

Bogglingly? Really? That's acceptable as a word? Wow.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:21:30 GMT

I feel like I'm on fire.

... Like, an awesome on fire, not like... pain on fire.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:29:56 GMT

I don't really understand how 12 Stones claims, as a band, to be secular. From the wikipedia article: "In an interview, guitarist Eric Weaver stated that 12 Stones are not a Christian band but are simply Christians trying to make good music with meaningful lyrics for people." The lyrics, however, are extremely Christian for a band calling themselves secular. The only thing they don't do is literally say "God" or "Jesus" in a song, it seems. From another article: "The name of the band is a reflection of their strong Christian values. As stated on their official website, "12 Stones" is taken metaphorically from the twelve stones in the Hoshen, a breastplate worn by the high priest of Levitical order in the Old Testament. The rights to the name were bought from a family who had come up with the name for their cottage. In an interview on the national television special Broken TV, McCoy explained that the band's name reflects a reference to the twelve stones that the Israelites erected after they crossed the Jordan River. McCoy also stated in an interview with Christian Music Review that their name is also a reference to the twelve disciples that followed Jesus."

Like really, this isn't a Christian band? These lyrics are from a song called Soulfire from the first album. Not that good musically honestly, but look at this.

Every morning as I wake to another day
I bow my head hit my knees and I begin to pray
I search for answers that I wonder if I'll ever find
Running circles in the mazes deep inside my mind
You always take me to a higher level
Show something that's deep inside
You show me things I never knew

You push me you pull me

You set my soul on fire
You take me so much higher
Higher again
Thank you for it all

Everyday living this life not knowing what it means
Consolation from above fulfilling all my dreams
And as I look across the crowd in their eyes I see
All their troubles and their pain staring back at me
You always take me to a higher level
You show me something that's deep inside
You show me things I never knew
You push me you pull me

You always give the best for me
Lift your hands high right where I can see
You always give the best for me
Lift your hands high right where I can see

Not a Christian band? Really?

Love, where is your fire?

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 23:35:25 GMT

Love, Where Is Your Fire? is a song by Brooke Fraser, and, like basically every song I've heard that she's written, it's brilliant.

Love, where is your fire?

I’ve been sitting here smoking away

Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits

But still there’s no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing

Offering a good-feeling glow

But I’m holding out for what you are about

An inferno that burns to the bone

Some urge me to be temperate

Lukewarm will never do

CHORUS

‘Cos I, I wanna blaze with you

So I’m holding my heart out to you

Holding my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches

Speaking words that are lamps to their feet

‘Til the time when you come and I’m whole and we are one

And the fire in me is complete

Some tell me to be moderate

But lukewarm will never do

CHORUS

Now I, I know I’ll blaze with you

So I’m holding my heart out to you

Holding my heart out

Bridge

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind

That I’ll offer you me and you’ll politely decline

So I hasten to mute it

I’ll shout and rebuke it

Away

So, I bolded that one part because I find it really interesting. It is a nice nod to evangelism, which I like, and is made of language that's not trite and overused. The part that made me sorta smile and think was the first half: "So I stand, handing out torches / Speaking words that are lamps to their feet." Brooke Fraser has written some of my favorite songs ever. Some of them have helped me get through hard times and consider more seriously certain aspects of my life and my faith. A few such songs are Albertine, C.S. Lewis Song, Hosea's Wife, and Desert Song, which she didn't record on her solo albums, but wrote for Hillsong. She also wrote one of my favorite worship songs ever. I mean, favorite to the extent where it's in my top five... maybe even top three. It's called Hosanna. My favorite recording of the song is actually by Starfield, but she wrote the song and recorded it with Hillsong.

Anyway, she's relatively young to come up with such insightful words and music, so I've considered why she's able to do so. I had an experience once where a group of men, friends with eachother but strangers to me, were confused about an aspect of their faith and one was rather distressed about it. I overheard them and was feeling pressed to pay attention, and was considering sharing what I knew. I am pretty shy and intimidated by people though. About a minute after I began listening though, they approached me. I was nervous, and a little shaky, but words becan to come out of my mouth that I was not smart enough or wise enough to come up with on my own. Those words brought comfort, calm, and understanding. Because of that, I suppose it must be the same with this music. Music is such a brilliant means of communication and such a blessing. If her goal is to speak words that are lamps to people's feet, I commend that. And, she doesn't try to do it on her own, or she'd only be able to reach a few who she knew really well and knew what they needed to hear. I know God is involved directly in what she writes, because what she's written has affected so many people.

In Hosea's Wife, it says,
"I see the scars of searches everywhere I go

From hearts to wars to literature to radio

There’s a question like a shame no one will show

'What do I live for?' "
I mean there are other lines earlier which paired with all of this make me think, but this is the main part. She's been shown a great need in the world, and put in a great position to help spread God's word to people and help them understand some of his ways and some of his plan. I think that's so cool. It makes me wish I'd had more musical training, or at least focused more when I had the opportunity to make musicianship a huge huge part of my life. Music is one of the most amazing ministries out there and I so wish I could be involved. We'll see.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:12:13 GMT

Google maps says that our admissions hall, aka the center of the UB North campus, is 24 minutes from the crash site of the plane that crashed in Clarence last night. Pretty much blown away.

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:12:57 GMT

I love the convenience of totally losing interest.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:40:02 GMT

Home Friday night for IV event at RIT, after IV at UB, y/n? Then church with my parents on Sunday, and back to Buffalo for the Superbowl? Hmmmm.

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 03:50:06 GMT

I just sent an email accepting a job offer from people who really like me and really appreciate the job I did when I worked for them last year. That feels really really good.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 12:15:42 GMT

Brooke Fraser is a brilliant songwriter. Unbelievably.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:39:17 GMT

I just realized that I don't trust anyone except my God, my parents, and my sister. Also, many of those who I don't trust are extremely deserving of my trust. There are specifics. This makes me feel like a bad friend.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:57:38 GMT

I'm taking a new perscription, which happens to be an amphetamine.
My blood pressure is up.
I have no interest in food.
My throat is extremely sore.

I like a guy, and he liked me. A lot. He had to go away and we couldn't talk because of things outside either of our control. He came back, we got in a fight, and now it's hard to talk about anything at all.

My chest hurts, and it's hurt on and off all day. My tendency is toward being a hypochondriact and I know I always sound like one. I have no reason to worry, I'm sure. Chest tightness was on the list of things to call your doctor about right away but I'm just hurting. I don't really know what tightness in the chest means.

I am having mood swings. Yesterday I felt amazing, right now I feel terrible.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:04:52 GMT

My blood pressure is up, I think. I haven't had a meal today.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 05:11:46 GMT

I'm so angry.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:52:07 GMT

I feel so much better about myself when I function.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 01:22:44 GMT

Yesterday I had a little anxiety attack and talked to someone I needed to talk to, and today's been wonderful. Sometimes I just need to flush it all out of my system.

:D

... "And that's the way I like it!"

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:46:18 GMT

I'm having a huge freakout. I never get like this. (Well, yes I have freakouts, but not of this ilk.)

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:07:03 GMT

Nobody at Buffalo is aware that I have this, as far as I know, so I will be candid.

A friend of mine called Ashley is into another friend of mine called Alex. She is someone who does not like being single and really enjoys thinking about guys. Alex is like... crush of the month you could say, since she recently got rejected by a guy she'd liked for a long time. Alex is a nice kid, starring in a musical that Ashley wrote and is co-star of. Alex drinks and parties a lot, and tends to make the standard poor decisions of a party school. Ashley is a good Christian girl in some ways, but also really goofy and a bit of a bad girl. She can be really prickly and unintentionally drives people away. Since I believe I do the same thing, I tolerate her attitude.

Aaaanyway, Ashley tends to talk about Alex all the time recently. I think as a couple, they will justify eachother in poor choices. Ashley just turned 21 and while she's not a heavy drinker, Alex is, and I could see them feeding off eachother and doing something dumb. I mean we've all had alcohol in our lives and far be it from me to judge either of them for drinking (especially considering Ashley's age), but they're both the type to do dumb things under the influence. I love them both and that isn't a criticism, just an observation.

Alex doesn't have any sort of crush on Ashley, and is in no position to even consider a relationship. He is, however, quite a flirt. And, to use a term she used, quite "handsy" when drunk. He flirts with anyone, even me, and it's very very very clear that neither of us will ever be interested in each other. With Ashley, it sends absolutely and entirely the wrong signal. I have it under good authority (as in he told my twin sister and one of her best friends) that he is definitely not interested. He needs to get his act together though; cuddling on a bed in a rather spooney manner with a girl sends a very distinct signal.

So Ashley always questions whether or not he likes her and I don't want to tell her that I know he doesn't. I've been debating it, and she's been telling me how she wants to talk to him about it. I decided that since it's not a life or death, heartbreakey situation, I'll let her find out for herself. It's not my position to let her down. I guess the only reason I thought about it was that I didn't want to prolong the situation and let her get all worked up about him. I think I also wanted to spare my ears, selfish though that may be. I've tried to say that I sorta have a hunch he doesn't when she asks what I think. Like many girls though... she really doesn't care what I think and just wants a sounding board for her thoughts. I totally understand that, as it's a behavior I've indulged in many times. I'm not exactly sad for her, and just want this to be over with. It was almost cute before I knew the truth, but it's gotten old.
________

My own life now!

I've been surprisingly sick the last three days. Coughing up lungs, etc, and feeling like I'm choking to death, plus serious cramps. I think my body has been so taxed by the sinus/cough stuff that I find myself completely out of energy and sleeping constantly. I probably need it, but I have work to do and it's much more important. 8 pages due on Friday, a final that day, and two labs due at 7:30 AM... 6.5 hours from now. Back to the nocturnal lifestyle... oh well. I don't trust myself to work here at school, so I think I'm going to go home between the last day of classes and my finals. There are too many distractions here.

I need to learn to trust in the Lord and remember that the rest will follow. I don't doubt that, but it's extremely hard to let go of this sham of a shred of control I imagine I might have. Goodness knows I am not in control of anything right now. It's like I've been holding on to something super heavy hanging from a rope, and I sorta let go very slightly to adjust my grip, but lost my hold and now it's flying between my hands and giving me rope burn. That all makes sense in my head and I don't really expect that I put it very clearly (note: I'm not exactly proofing or reading back over what I've written, long as it all may be.) There's lot I need to deal with and get straight.

This is really long. I don't really expect it to be read; this is for me.

I think that someone I know is making a mistake wholly based on assumptions. I am not talking about Ashley but this is more delicate and I'm not going to delve into it.

I feel... disfunctional.

Also, I need to do something about my high social anxiety and extreme irrritability.

I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep but I think I'll just work all night instead.
... That's a funny joke. I'll say I'm working but stay up spilling my thoughts and maybe checking facebook all night. I really feel like a failure sometimes.

Love,
Laura

P.S. I want to repost this without reposting it: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dreams.png
That is, without a doubt but with the addition of a God sentiment, how I feel right now.

Dear Christmas,

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 03:52:49 GMT

Personal Cooking Trainer, new phone.

Love and Sincerely,
Laura

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 10:38:24 GMT

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: Sandy Quang
2. You went to the mall with: Leah and Lindsey
3. You went to dinner with?: Julia, Clinton, Lindsey, a few others
4. You talked to on the phone?: Clinton
5. Made you laugh?: Cast of Ocean's 11
6. Hugged you?: Ben (the skinny dancing freshman lol)
7. Said they loved you?: Like... in a passive friend way? Clint. Otherwise? Dad.
8. Held your hand?: Gina
9. Spoke with?: Julia? Pete maybe? Clint?
10. You cried over?: I'm not going to answer that.

Eh just felt like filling that out. Not worth anything.

Today, someone really offended me. I reacted based on the implications and a backed up pile of stress and just.... confirmation of insecurities. Run on sentences. And also, I cried, over and over. Once for real and a few times like... where my eyes just watered up a little. I know exactly what I need to do but I'm so sad right now.

It's not important. It's just keeping me awake until 5:30 AM and I need to get up in 4 hours. It will be later than that by the time I fall asleep. I wish my light worked... I'd clean and get out of here. I'd literally get ready and drive home right now. Hours ago.

I just cried again. I feel so weak.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 04:25:03 GMT

There are times I think I have a depression problem or anxiety disorder. Here's a list of symptoms. I put in bold the ones I see in myself, italic the ones that are only very slight or in a less obvious manner. P.S. This isn't a self-pity fest so don't get me wrong. This is more for my own benefit, to understand what's going on with me and how I can approach it. I don't know if my symptoms are enough to qualify.

Constant sadness
Irritability
Hopelessness
Trouble sleeping
Low energy or fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
Significant weight change
Difficulty concentrating
Loss of interest in favorite activities

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 07:55:33 GMT

One of my favorite feelings is this: Sometimes, there is a general emotion or sentiment in my life that I can't sufficiently identify or explain. Then, I hear a song that describes it perfectly, either through accurate lyrics, or the music itself. Whether it is a good or a bad thing being explained, I tend to feel... hmm. Justified I guess? Also, I think there is a feeling of fellowship and understanding, like I'm not the only one who ever felt this way. I understand more specifically, as a result, why I feel how I feel. What a wonderful blessing music is! Words alone don't convey these things. How beautiful.

<3

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:48:38 GMT

"Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way? Is this a soul that stirs in me? Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?

'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become."

"And I, I was made to leave, I was made to love, I was made to know you."

"Hope is coming for me."

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 11:52:10 GMT

I'm quite a fan of The Shins. Today's song is Spilt Needles. Check it out. Some other music, if you're interested:

Rock and Roll by Eric Hutchinson
Come On, Get Higher by Matt Nathanson
One Word (Chris Cox Mix) by Kelly Osbourne
Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band
Round Round by Far East Movement

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:17:30 GMT